Hey Sister!

Usually I only write song parodies about the pets, but every once and a while I find one that sums up someone perfectly. I'm working on one for Ryan and another for Ringo, but I haven't perfected them yet. I found one for myself, however, that was just too easy:

The following is "Hey Sister!" an HR Assistant's parody of "Fake ID" from footloose (for reference, the NOB is what we call the North Office Building):

Hey, I've been calling all over the square

On my desk-phone wearin' it out

And I've finally tracked you down

Hey, everybody says you're the one

The final piece to get this done

You got my numbers and I got to run

Well I know that you got it

Come on and just get it

Got clout in my department

You know I gotta get it

Hey Sister won't you get me a new ID

There's a hire in the list that I'm dying to see

I got my hurry and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you get me a new ID

Hey, don't even think about tellin' me no

It's only twenty minutes till the old guy goes

Hey Sister turn it over let's go

No, I ain't gonna fill out workfront

Just make sure that number’s in front

So those directors don't stall my hunt

And don't go get lazy

Though my memory’s hazy

Don't dilly dally

I gotta go and add up my tally

Hey Sister won't you get me an access key

There's a guy in the NOB that I'm trying to see

I got my meeting and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you get me an access key

Here's my number, now get me on my way

Gonna push my idea to the top of the page

Hey Sister won't you rid me of this ID

There's a guy in this list that I don’t need to see

I got my screenshot and you got what I need

Hey Sister, hey Sister!

Hey Sister won't you get me a cleared ID

There's a gal for the film that we’re dying to see

We got a channel and you got what we need

Hey Sister won't you get me a cleared ID

Hey Sister won't you find me a different ID

There's a digit in this row that I don’t like to see

I got my hurry and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you find me a different ID

Hey Sister, hey Sister!

Week 18

First, some primary stories for your enjoyment:

-We were sitting in the chapel before sacrament meeting when I hear a five year old run in, shouting at his nine-ish year old brother, "Joseph.... Joseph....you didn't hold the door for me! You're supposed to be a gentleman!"

-Jimmy was having a really hard time sitting still in sharing time a few weeks ago. He was turning about the room, pretending to shoot people with a pump action shotgun. Our conversation went something like this:
"Jimmy, can you be reverent?....Jimmy, what are you supposed to be thinking about?"
"Um...Jesus?"
"Yes, is this helping you to think about Jesus?"
A pause, "...No."
"Why don't we work on being reverent so we can think about Jesus."
"But...but...I won't be able to shoot in heaven, so I have to do it now!"
"Hmmm....." (hiding a smile) "Well why don't we practice for heaven then."
I then told him if he was really reverent he could put the role under the door. I've never seen him sit so quietly.

-I made a primary behavior clip chart for my class since they were having so much trouble being reverent. I've never seen them act so angelically. I was so proud of them. Of course, the novelty will wear off quickly, but if we can just make it through the primary program...

This week's craziness made up for last week being relaxed. I barely had time to eat. These are some of the things that I did this week:

• Get permission to ignore someone's 'emergencies' until I'm told to go ahead with the work by my HR supervisors.
• Deliver more mail. ; /
• Give someone the numbers from a spreadsheet that they have access to as well as weekly reminders to fill out...
• Have a fight with a job code. I lost.
• Go on a donut run for my supervisor stuck in a long meeting. Better her than me. Plus, I still got a donut without having to suffer to earn it.
• Leave my printout on the printer overnight twice in one week.
• Give an armadillo load of people building access because they keep moving!
• Process an elephant load of electronic 'paperwork.' (For those of you who are wondering, according to the Mandy-Camille Dictionary, this is huge, way more than an armadillo load or a boatload).
• Make an e-mail distribution list for all of our ESG temp employees. This took forever!
• Be patient with managers who nag me about an assignment that only got to me two hours ago.
• Hunt down mis-categorized employees.
• Nearly miss my exit because my audiobook was so good.
• Run errands.
• Deliver more batteries to the North Office Building. I don't know what they use them for, but they sure go through a lot. (My poor purse. Some women carry makeup and keys. I carry stickers and bandaids for emergencies, a laptop charger, batteries, and my lunch.)
• Deliver 6 packs of dry erase markers to the North Office Building...to the same person that needed the batteries.
• Man the phones by myself. Four phones are four too many for someone who doesn't even answer her own phone.
• Set up a WebEx conference meeting, kinda. I needed a lot of help because once we got one thing to work then something else would go wrong. I now know why people complain about attending video conferences. They're even worse to host.
• Get asked more questions I don't know the answer to. I want to have an automatic e-mail response that says "Sister Ward doesn't know!" You remember President Nelson's talk where he says "Ask the missionaries! They can help you!" This is one case where it does not apply! I know I answer the help line. I know I am the HR assistant. It just means I go and ask someone else. Why would I know who to talk to if your phone isn't working?
• Try a dessert from New Zealand. This one is like merengue, melts in your mouth, and takes over 24 hours to make. Crazy.
• Get a bishop clearance. They've all been easy since the first one that got mad at me. Of course, it just had to be the first time I made one of those calls.
• Unsuccessfully hide from managers to eat my lunch.

In other news, Ringo learned to do a headstand! Okay, not really. We were playing the game where we throw frozen peas across the kitchen to watch him scramble after them. One went off the step into the living room and he overshot. His stubby hind quarters came after the rest of him and just hung in the air for a few seconds while his legs flailed around helplessly above his head. He doesn't like to have his paws off the ground, but we found it hilarious.

That's it for this week. I love you all,

Sister Ward

Week 17

Are you ready for the newest update? Good, you can relax, it was actually pretty quiet this week.

This week I:

• Learned how to set up a WebEx meeting.
• Taught a third person how to do the mail.
• Called all the departments on the directory to make sure their number was right.
• Hunted down all the fax machines to check their numbers.
• Ordered business cards.
• Explained nicely that nobody is working on new hires because, if you recall, PeopleSoft is down, and we are not the lazy bums you seem to think we are. (Insert plastic-y fake smile here).
• Make up answers to questions that I know little about.
• Change lots of stuff like dept IDs and locations on PeopleSoft, which is finally back up.
• Cut all the bragging and fluff out of department announcements (reducing the text by half).
• Assign badge access (for some reason these requests always come in on Wednesday, the one day I can't access the website because I'm home. Why is that?).
• Sign up for a writers' symposium offered for Church employees. Yes!
• Submit a couple of articles for consideration.
• Send lots and lots of e-mails.
• Digitize some of our family history records. There's some interesting characters in our family. The guy who told his wife he came to Mexico because he dreamt about her? Yeah, he was actually wanted in Texas for cattle hustling.
• Ate a lot of junk food because the family left me a stash before they left for fall break. (Thanks, Mom).
• Finally dug some of my winter clothes out of the basement. I feel like I'm giving in to winter. I want it to stay warm! At least it has been nice and sunny.

For the first time in months, I didn't have to knock on someone's door to ask how to do something. I'm getting better at this thing! Or maybe people have finally figured out that I don't know and started asking someone else...

Also, after trying to track down phone numbers and fax machines, I got another taste of how big our department is. We have offices in three different buildings. If we put them all in one, we would take up seven floors; thats 1/4 of the Church Office Building! I guess that's why I spend so much time just fixing department numbers...

Week 16

This week was pretty relaxed, which is a nice change. Fantastically Unfortunately,  PeopleSoft, the software we use for everything HR related, is down for maintenance, so whenever somebody wanted something pushed through right away I could just say, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until PeopleSoft is back up and running."

Our district has also split, which is really strange. When I started my mission there were maybe 20 missionaries, but as of this week we have 42.

In other news, the Elder that took over doing the mail is going to train a new Elder to do it so that "We'll both be free!" I have a feeling that this job is going to keep on getting pushed down to newer missionaries, because nobody wants to do the mail. People either don't have time, hate it, or aren't reliable enough to do the mail every day.

Ready for the crazy list? Here are some of the other things I did this week:

• Watch and read articles from the Leadership Enrichment Series to find quotes for the Directors talk for the meeting I do not attend. They aren't available to the general public, which is a shame, because they are really neat. They are all about leading like the Savior. Also, the unscripted Elder Hales is hilarious. Who knew?
• Puzzle out the mistakes in spreadsheets
• Set up meetings and agendas
• Work on cleaning up the leadership directory for the one person who uses it (and happens to be the manager).
• Call a bishop for a interview clearance (This one did not yell, thank you).
• Discover that if you thank someone for their patience ahead of time, they feel like they can't be cranky with you.
• Assign more badge access to the North Office Building (why don't they just make that part of the package deal? It's part of PSD!)
• Start Accutane...again.
• Let Ringo chase seagulls.
• Go to institute and attend the temple.
• Do sealings for the first time with Mom and Dad! This was a really neat experience. On top of that, I was able to do work for the same names that I have done baptisms for. I wish I knew what these people thought as the blessings were made available to them. I think some of them have been very excited. Really, the sealing work is the culmination. It makes me glad to know that these people aren't alone, that they can be with their families in the spirit world.
• Conveniently escaped the district meeting which had a lesson on dating while you are a service missionary (which I can not), and meeting with advisors (I do not need help selecting a school or major thank you. If I change my mind at this point, I have bigger problems).
• Spend over 9 hours driving.
• Tease the cat. He still likes to sit in front of Bethany's door and whine. He thinks if he makes enough of a racket she is just going to let him in to dine on her goldfish. It can't be that we would deny him the shiny swimmies that he so desires, so we must simply not understand what he wants!

I can't link to the articles I read in the Leadership Series, but I think I can share a couple of the quotes from Elder Hales that really stood out to me as I was reading:

This one is funny, but I think is good for anyone willing to invest in any kind of relationship:

 "I tell the priesthood when I’m with them, “I want you to go home from this meeting today and I want you just to ask two questions of your wife: How could I be a better companion? And how could I be a better husband? How could I be a better father?” And then I say, “Duck.” Because the next half hour will be the toughest half hour you’ve ever had in your life. But listen. And if you’re willing to listen on how you can improve, that makes all the difference."

This one was my favorite: 

"Well, we’ve talked about it even in personnel matters. You have to understand what you have to do is start with your personal life. What you have to do is start with three columns. And one says “fight,” one says “flow,” and one says “flee.” I would not have understood this. I didn’t learn it until my third heart attack, literally, and realized that I was trying to be everything for everybody. I was trying to do everything for everybody.

And what I began to realize was in my personal life, there’s only two or three things I will put everything that I have up against: my family, for sure; maybe one or two projects that I get in the Church like the curriculum project and what we’re doing. I can do one or two of those. I can give everything I’ve got. And the third one is service opportunities. But then I had to drop a whole list of things. I couldn’t go to all of the funerals, I couldn’t do all of the sealings, I couldn’t go to all the weddings and receptions. I just can’t do it. And so the hardest thing was convincing myself. So I do it with letters."

 -Elder Robert D. Hales

Week 13, 14, and 15? I've lost count.

Yes, I'm starting to lose count. I planned to post more regularly, but since I started doing Gretchen's job, life has been a lot crazier. I'm glad that I am doing something that is needed, but I will be relieved when her maternity leave is over. I will miss my giant desk though.

Here are a few of the things I did in the last few weeks:

• Put up signs reminding people to turn off projector.
• Answer a lot of e-mails
• Get asked a lot of questions
• Ask a lot of questions (usually because someone else asked me. Hint, people, Sister Ward doesn't know!)
• Get lists of people with wrong information that somehow I'm supposed to fix. The info, not the people. 
• Writers community of practice... we had a great lesson on how we can't write meaningfully if we don't take care of ourselves emotionally.
• Process terminations
• Explain that I can't process things until they are approved...again.
• Set up meetings
• Refill the mint bowl...a lot.
• Return badges
• Give people badge access
• Know more about people's hiring than I ever wanted
• Bishop clearances
• Finally make it to the post office
• Write short writer bios and upload them to our writers page.
• Learn how to change the cartridges in a giant printer (The cartridges are the size of baseball bats).
• Learn how to process promotions
• Learn I need to tell managers "no" when they want me to change something they don't like but is right.
• Realize that everyone thinks their task is an emergency and not to take them seriously. You'd die of apoplexy before lunch.
• Change people's departments...a lot.
• Begin the process of remaking CDOL, the Church Directory of Leaders, for Publishing Services. This will involve cutting and gluing all the org charts until I figure them out.
• Typing up a story for the director (I was so excited to be asked to do something I knew how to do, it was ridiculous.)
• Teach someone new the mail run...again.
• Go crosseyed over spreadsheets
• Finally transfer a call correctly...after more than a few panicked attempts at button pushing.
• Have a panic attack while getting my blood drawn...whoops.
• Go to the temple (Wednesday is my temple day. I love it).
• Process an education reimbursement
• Sign up for a free biblical Hebrew class held during lunch. As a missionary I get all the same benefits as an employee, so I'm looking forward to trying this class.

This was just a crazy fun list to think about what I did in the last few weeks. I do love my mission. It can be exhausting and frustrating at times, but I know I am where I'm supposed to be. And of course, everyone is so nice. The HR Business partners that I report to are some of the nicest gentlemen, and the let me pester them with questions all day long without showing any annoyance. Together we share the dream of going through an entire day without receiving a single e-mail. =) I saw a quote in one of their offices today that made me smile: "Grandpas exist to get kids into mischief they haven't thought of yet." The other partner has a quote that has helped me too: "The more times you fail, the sooner you will succeed." That one is good for me to remember when I am scared of making mistakes.

I also attended a meeting explaining the HBDI, or Hermann Brain Dominance Instrument. It's pretty cool. They have all the employees take a test that is kind of an in depth personality test.  It turns out I'm in the right major for my brain! Good thing, since it's getting a bit late to be changing my mind. I'm somewhat balanced, but mostly favor red and yellow, or red and green if I'm under pressure. Pretty much I'm good at or enjoy interpersonal, feeling based work and creativity, but when I'm stressed my creativity turns into planning and details. It also tells you, based on your profile, what things you might overlook when trying to communicate with others (which is kind of the point of this test in a work environment). If you can figure out, or are told where someone lies, you know the best way to communicate with them. Apparently (and truthfully) I struggle with high volumes of data , lack of personal connection/participation, and following processes. I always thought processes and regulations were just a necessary evil, but apparently some people really like them and when I dismiss them it upsets other people. So I'm trying to be more patient with all the finicky processes we have to go through when working in an office.

Here is a brief overview:

Some other fun stories: 

The other day I was eating breakfast while Carter got his laundry started (it should be noted that he does nothing quietly. He has only one volume). I hear "OW!" and then a few seconds later a weird "AwAwAwAwAw...ooooooohh!" He figured out how to make a new weird sound by hitting himself in the throat while singing and he got so excited he squealed and had to come out and show us. He may be a goof, but he's a cute one.

Bethany's new goldfish had two near death experiences in one day. She put too much metal detoxifier in the water the first time and they started going belly up. We saved them, but they were probably in shock for a while. Then later that day my dad hears a crash, and what does he find? Merlin couldn't fit his head in the fishbowl, so he knocked it off the desk so he could get a closer look at those shiny, swimmy thingies. He had his nuisance of a nose about an inch away from the fish on the carpet before my dad rescued it. Now whenever Merlin sneaks into Bethany's room we see him get dumped out, quite unceremoniously.

The other great Merlin story: Merlin puts up with everything. He gets carted around like a rag doll all the time and he just lets the kids do it. Anyway, Bethany came down with him during General Conference, and he was wearing a balloon pattern baby bib. He looked extremely put out. Probably hard to put fear into your enemies when you're wearing a baby bib...

In other news, I saw Elder Rasband and accidentally ignored Elder Holland when he waved at me. Cognitively I knew that the floor was locked down because General Authorities were using it, but people in suits go by all the time...It wasn't until another sister waved back and said "That was Elder Holland!" that I realized that I had just ignored a General Authority. I'm still a bit annoyed with myself for that one.

I hope you all had a lovely General Conference. I loved a lot of the talks, but this one was probably one of my favorites. It was just what I needed to hear.

That's it for now, I hope everyone is doing well.

-Sister Ward

P.S. I love you.