Week 26 - Because We Need Pictures

This is my desk. I get it all to myself even though there are people way higher up the totem pole than I am who have to share a desk. 

There are a couple of monitors to the left that were used by NewMommy (who I'm replacing). Funny story about those monitors... 

When someone leaves Church employment, the computer people come and collect their equipment to re-image for the new person. Well, Lute told these guys that someone else works at that desk now (in case they didn't read the plaque or notice that it is still lived in), but clearly they weren't paying attention. Instead they came and took everything except a mouse, a keyboard, and the dust bunnies. This means they took my laptop. I freaked out when I came back from lunch and found it gone. Thankfully, Lute was a fast thinker and got them on the phone right away. They brought my laptop back, telling me I was lucky because they were only a minute away from wiping it. 

I was happier not knowing. 

Actually, I was feeling downright cranky about it. Seriously, they didn't think there was anything off about a lived in cubicle with both Dell display screens and an Apple laptop?

However, as I was saying my prayers that night, God reminded me how blessed I really was. I kind of got the feeling he was laughing but gently chiding me. They were so close to wiping my computer, and they didn't. Instead of grouching about the close call, I could laugh about it and be very, very grateful that it was saved in time. So thank you, God, for saving my computer. I'm sorry I was a grouch.

Part of the program from our Christmas Devotional.

My supervisor gave me this beautiful little nativity.

Temple Square had all of these lovely Nativities from around the world. I really enjoy seeing these when I step outside for fresh air. They aren't labeled, so your guess is as good as mine when it comes to their origins.

This picture makes me smile just because of where it is set up. I'm pretty sure they don't get a lot of snow or evergreens in in Kenya or wherever this might be... It is beautiful though.

P.S. I love you.

Acronym Joy

So if you've been in the Church for any length of time you will quickly realize that we love acronyms. We just can't seem to stay away. Well, add in business and you get a whole new world to label. It's taken me a while, but I'm pretty fluent in them now. Shall we have a try?

I am YCSM serving as an HR assistant in LDS PSD. PSD used to be called AVD, but now it is a huge combination including DM, F&V, B&E, and several others. I also help HR with OCS and PA. I don't help S&I in CES, but one of my friends does. She reports to the same CSMs as me.

Sometimes I write for FC and I'm learning to improve my SEO. Part of my duties include using DP to set up for MDC and adding ESGs and FTE's to DLs. I also set up HBDI meetings and I even scheduled a VR tour this week. I regularly organize open FTEs and submit EAFs using PNs and EmpIDs. Sometimes I have to change their location from COB to NOB, ROB, JSMB, or MPS which is by BYU. I also have to redirect mail to the GSC and FWS in the WOB or to the CHL. Today we even had mail for ICS. I've never needed to take things to the CAB, but I wouldn't mind going to see some GAs. I have seen some of the PB. Sometimes I get help with projects from the SJS, and they help me avoid any IP issues. I also help maintain the CDOL. Luckily, as a YCSM I don't have to us GHRIS to log hours, but I do use WF to record tasks.

Feel like I'm exaggerating? Check out our home page:

Week 25 - Christmas is Coming! Also, Thanks is Due.

This blog post is brought to you by: Mike and Stephanie Ward and the miracles of heaven.

Friday was an interesting day, but I was very blessed, so I feel like thanks is due to a great many people.

-Thank you to Andrew who ordered me to leave early in order to try to beat the storm.

Andrew got this message from his son, but we had no idea how fast the storm would come in. Unfortunately, the blizzard hit between my getting on I-15 and I-80. Drivers were encouraged to avoid Parleys if they didn't have 4 wheel drive or chains, so I had to pull off I-80 in the middle of I had no idea. I parked in an empty church parking lot in the freezing cold and called Mom.

-Thank you Mom for finding me phone numbers since I never thought to program some into my phone for emergencies.

If mom hadn't helped me I would have probably ended up going to my best friend's grandparent's in-law. (Yes, I know where they live. Mandy and I are that kind of friends). The Brosnahans are super nice and offered to let me stay at their house last Christmas, but I still would have felt very uncomfortable showing up on their porch and asking if they remembered their grandson's wife's best friend and could I maybe wait out the storm on their couch?

-Thank you Uncle Mike, for sacrificing an hour of your busy work day at the hospital to kindly rescue your stranded and clueless niece.

Mike spent about an hour on the phone with me, helping me figure out where the heck I was (Millcreek, as it turns out) and giving me step-by-step instructions to his house in Cottonwood Heights and telling me how to get in through the garage. He even offered to take me home in his truck if the roads didn't get better. I ended up taking a nap on the couch for a couple of hours, and was very relieved to be out of the storm.

-Thank you to Aunt Stephanie for welcoming me into her home when she had four kids to care for.

Even though they were late for their anniversary date that night, Steph found me a pillow, blankets, and a tooth brush in case I couldn't make it home that night. She and Mike also made sure I was well fed and felt comfortable. They are angels.

-Thank you to the Highway Patrol and all people who drive the snowplows for working so hard to help everyone get home.

-Thank you to Heavenly Father and the angels that protected me and made me feel safe.

I felt very blessed on Friday. Even though I stress out over everything, I felt calm and safe even when I was cold and lost and couldn't see through the snow. When I was set apart as a missionary, I was promised that I would be alert as I commuted and that I would be protected. I definitely felt that protection on Friday. Lots of drivers got stuck or crashed that day, but I was able to drive home safely that night when the canyon was mostly cleared. Even more, I felt completely safe as I drove, if a bit worried. I was home before 8 and able to sleep in my own bed. Thank you to everyone who helped me and prayed for me. It made a big difference.

Side note: it is probably faster to take a sled down Parley's when it is snowing. Traffic was at a measly 15 mph, but I'm pretty sure with the lane that hadn't been plowed I could easily have gotten 80 on a sled.

...

And just for my own record's sake, here are the things I did this week:

• Watch the BYU Special, Winter Thaw, for FHE. Maybe it's because I haven't seen a movie in six months, but I thought it was very good. You'll have to watch it.
• Set up for a surprise baby-shower for Enchantment. It was a complete success and they even found a bakery that make dairy/egg/gluten free cake. Even more amazing, it was really good!
• Explain to someone that I can't transfer an employee that was never hired by the Church in the first place (sometimes managers get sneaky and hire another temp without telling us).
• Fuss with a different spreadsheet (purple is done, green is transferred, orange means the manager messed up and has some explaining to do)...
• Explain that re-hiring people is not my job.
• Terminate and transfer employees.
• Update spreadsheets. Actually, it's just THE spreadsheet. I create a new version every week.
• Add people to e-mail list.
• Add agenda items.
• Recycle a lot of boxes (My office has been the temporary storage unit for the employee Christmas presents). I don't even feel like complaining, I love my desk so much.
• Approve parking requests. Apparently this is part of my job? I'll assume I have that power since it worked.
• Create a powerpoint.
• Lead the music at our PSD Christmas Devotional. Bishop Waddell was presiding, but I was surprisingly calm.
• Attempt to find somewhere you can get a Swiss Legend watch repaired.

Week 24

Dear Friends and Family,

This week I:

• Ordered flowers
• Looked up addresses
• Converted another armadillo load of employees from one kind of temp worker to another. This time it required some investigation as half the fields I needed were not on the spreadsheet.
• Attended a writers Christmas party where we exchanged books and I got to cuddle the most adorable little 2 month-old baby. We're pals now. He just doesn't know it.
• Attended a few minutes of the missionary Christmas party (it started as it was time for me to leave) and ate a lot of treats.
• Trained a 5th person to do the mail. Five. Ridiculous.
• Went to the 28th floor to deliver mail. They just recently turned this into office space. It has a bit of a Hogwarts aspect to it. If you don't want to climb 58 flights of stairs you have to take the high speed elevator (skips 2-13) up to 26, go around a few corners, and take the hidden mini elevator up the last two floors. 
• Made lots of agenda updates.
• Scheduled some meetings.
• Got people lots of strange building accesses. (The access, not the buildings).
• Explained that something was a finance problem, not a HR problem.
• Submitted another Education Reimbursement.
• Did about 3 minutes of transcription work.
• Requested guest parking.
• Calendared all the different director's vacations so we don't schedule meetings then.
• Terminated employees. Mwhahaha. No, actually I just do the paperwork when they resign, but termination makes it sound much worse.
• Attended Ryan's choir concert.
• Attended Carter's band concert.
• Visited Sally, my friend and former flute teacher. She was a bit disappointed though, to find out that since I'm on a mission she couldn't set me up with her nephew...
• Found 10 minutes to practice my flute. Probably should invest in a little more since Mom signed me up to play for the Relief Society...

And now, our weekly segment on Primary Stories:

For our ward Christmas party last week we had a luau, complete with pit-roasted pig. I thought this was cool even if I wasn't interested in eating it. And then I saw Suzie with her face buried in her mothers stomach. I'd forgotten that pigs were one of her favorite animals, and she was quite upset at its fate. Now I would like to say that I said something nice and comforting, but of course what came out of my mouth was, "Well, at least it isn't a whale." Which, whales being her favorite animal, is not one of the most comforting thing I could have said. Good one, Sister Ward.

On Sunday I taught a lesson on the resurrection. While they were particularly squirmy this week, it was actually a very good lesson as they had lots of questions. To review, we watched some scenes from the bible videos, beginning when Christ was already on the cross. It was sweet to see how concerned they were for Jesus. Despite their wiggles, the Spirit was there.

At the beginning of this same lesson, Jimmy told me (out of the blue) "Don't say the word 'blood,' it makes me sick." Every little head in the room turned to him in disbelief. "No it doesn't!" the other kids exclaimed. "All you do is tell gross stories full of blood!" I had to smother a laugh. It's true, most of his stories involve blood. Anyone who can spend five minutes describing the changing colors of his cold sore is not in any danger of losing their breakfast over the word "blood." He's just the ultimate drama king. Kid's brains are so funny.


I also had a neat experience while reading my scriptures last week that I forgot to record. I was struggling with not being a proselyting missionary again. I love my mission, and I do feel like the work I do is important. However, it is hard sometimes when I see proselyting missionaries and read talks about bringing souls unto Christ. When I originally put in my papers, I thought I would have that chance to testify of Christ and share the joy of the gospel directly. So last week I was reading my scriptures and praying that I would find understanding or satisfaction with the work I do instead. I was reading in Mosiah, I think, when I came across the scripture that says "how beautiful upon the mount are the feet of him who publisheth peace." I just had this immediate sense that the Lord was aware of me personally and valued the work I do. After all, what more perfect scripture for a missionary working in Church Publishing Services to stumble across than one about publishing the Lord's peace?

I am so grateful for the Gospel and my Savior. I know the Church is true and that our Heavenly Father loves us. He's right there, you just have to look for him. I haven't always seen the Lord's hand in my life, but looking back, his fingerprints are all over the place. I am so glad that he has been there for me and guided me to where I need to be today.

Love,

Sister Ward

Week 23

Dear Family and Friends,

As of this week I am officially the HR Assistant for Publishing Services, instead of the backup. New Mommy came in the other day and handed in her official resignation, so I guess I get to keep my giant desk. I will miss seeing her again, but I'm happy for her. At least this makes my e-mail signature less of a lie. You see, if I have to do HR business with somebody who doesn't know who I am, I use a signature that says I am the HR Assistant, instead of a YCSM, because otherwise they probably wouldn't believe me. It's easier than wasting all that time explaining that I am indeed a responsible adult and that I am actually supposed to be handling HR business. I had a surreal moment when Actually-knows-everything called the cubicle "Sister Ward's desk." I was like, "My desk...I like that...my desk."Even though I've been using this desk for almost three months. Anyway, I made it official, and put a sticky note with my name on my office plaque.

I also had an article published this week: http://faithcounts.com/2-truths-lies-elephant/

I had another article published, but it's on the Church Employee Intranet, so I can't link to it. The first line stunk, but I couldn't think of anything better. The rest of it was pretty okay though, if I do say so myself. It was on leading like the Savior, and how different people need different things from their leaders.

This week I:

• Came into the office an extra day so my sick supervisor would agree to stay home but I ended up staying home the next day instead.
• Trained a fourth person to do the mail.
• Found out I will probably be training a fifth person to do the mail (the previous victim kept getting lost or something).
• Tracked down missing mail.
• Delivered a lot of mail.
• Started an intern's hiring paperwork.
• Delivered a cell-phone.
• Analyzed a couple articles about a donkey (long story short they were really good so I'm trying to learn from the writer). If you get a chance, read the "Running with Sherman" series on the New York Times.
• Tried to wash the road salt off the windows. Twice. It was mostly successful.
• Moved an armadillo load of employees from Nexeo to ESG. 
• Successfully transfered a call for the second time!
• Found the box of Christmas gifts and cards for our Spanish speaking employees in a mountain of boxes.
• Became proficient at hip-bumping the security scanner. Full hands--you do what you gotta do.
• Transcribed a speech on authenticity in writing.
• Assigned building access.
• Updated e-mail lists. If people would just stop quitting I wouldn't spend so much time doing paperwork...
• Did NOT get any e-mails from the one person who always has an 'emergency.' I finally caught on to him trying to get around the rules by getting the naive missionary to do it. Now that I tell him to do it the right way he's stopped asking me... =)
• Wrote an department update in which I slapped people on the wrists for addressing personal packages to work. (There is a tower of packages by the front entrance, and I sincerely doubt that you need anything from Macy's to do your job).
• Gave church photographers access to the Church Directory of Leaders. They're going to be visiting members in Ireland, Germany, Tonga, New Zealand, and Australia. The only place I'm visiting is the isle of Great Jealousy. I hear everyone there has green eyes.
• Attended an HR meeting where people complained about all the managers who break hiring rules and make our spreadsheets gross.

And now, for our pet stories: Featuring Merlin the Cat

Ringo and Merlin are friends, but mostly ignore each other. However, we take every opportunity we can get to encourage them to play-fight with each other. They take on the traditional cat and dog roles, Ringo chasing Merlin like he might actually have a chance. Earlier this week they were running around, having a great time while we were egging them on, when Merlin got distracted by a piece of string. Now,  Ringo never gave this string a moment's notice, but he figured if the cat liked it, it must be important. Before we could stop him he dashed up under Merlin's nose and ATE the string. Well, it's all fun and games until someone eats the cat's string. Ringo bolted all the way across the living room, where he leapt on the couch to mom for protection, Merlin in hot pursuit. When his claws came out, we decided it was time to cool off, and poor kitty was finally let outside. Moral of the story: don't eat the cat's string. He likes it more than he likes you.

When I pulled into the garage on Wednesday, Merlin poked his head out of his kitty shelter.  Dad made this shelter out of an old cooler with a hole in the side and a heating pad back when we thought we were going to have an outside-only cat (ha!). Well, when I pulled into the garage, I see Merlin poke his cute little face out followed by his shoulders, and then he dragged the rest of his body through the hole, his belly barely making it out. It was like Winnie the Pooh. Oh, I laughed. I laughed so hard I cried. Poor kitty. It's not his fault. He just won't stop growing!

I didn't make it to the temple this week, but I did receive some pictures from Rachel. =) It was good to see you, my friend.

P.S. I love you.

Week 22- Primary Tales

This last week has been an odd one. Because I serve a mission as a Church employee, I can't go in to work on holidays. Instead I serve from home. I don't mind this when it is only a day, but I've learned that it is hard to be a self-motivated missionary when everyone else is on a holiday for a few days. It's not that I dislike the work...it just doesn't feel very urgent and if I'm in a funk I don't feel like doing anything. This week though, I am going to rededicate myself to the work.

We also had the primary program last week. Oh boy. I didn't like all the practicing it involved as a kid, but I do enjoy watching as an adult. I sit somewhere in the middle as a teacher. This time, about 10 minutes into the program, Jimmy looks back and me and asks, "Can I go the the bathroom?" I shook my head. Of course he can't go in the middle of the program! He frowned at me. "When are we going to have a break?" And so I found myself explaining during the Valiant 8 lines, that we were not going to have a bathroom break in the middle of the actual performance... This is one of those things I never thought I would say as a teacher. You learn new things every day.

Jimmy also likes to tell stories. Before we began our lesson on forgiveness, I asked the kids if how they had practiced service last week, to follow up on the previous lesson. The kids all give their answers, telling how they helped clean and put their little brothers to bed, but Jimmy isn't done. I knew I might regret this, but I let him go ahead.  He starts "I served my mom by putting my little brother to bed and cleaning up his toys, and..." I looked at him suspiciously, "Jimmy...you don't have a little brother. I thought you were the youngest." Yep. He's totally spinning a yarn, but he's not done. He tries to convince us that he was really helping his mom put his big brother to bed. Uh-huh. "Thank you, Jimmy. Maybe you can serve your mom this week by putting yourself to bed." That funny kid. He wasn't trying to lie. He just loves to talk, and he'll do anything to spin a good yarn. I just had to laugh. At least this one didn't involve blood, puking, or the various changing colors of his cold sore...

After the primary program last week, we played a game of scripture charades. This was hilarious. One, because the sunbeams had noah's ark, but they all wanted to be the animals, leaving nobody to be Noah. And secondly, because my class is way too enthusiastic. We got the story of Jonah and the whale. Even our usually calm Suzie is jumping up and down to be Jonah because, "Whales are my favorite!" I'd already told Carson that he could be Jonah, so I said, "How about you and Annie be the whale?" I've never seen a whale bounce and squeal so much. Meanwhile, the rest of the kids played the sailors that threw Jonah overboard. Unfortunately, they got a little too enthusiastic and poor Carson when flying so far the 'whale' had to chase him down to swallow him. It was quite the charade.

Week 21- Rachel and the Michelin Turkey

I had a special treat this week. My friend Rachel and I arranged to go to the temple together (quite a feat when you do it through weekly e-mail). It was wonderful to see her and hear how she was doing.

 Some of the things I've done:

• Repaired last week's transcription (It was really rough, as you recall).
• Transcribed a new speech
• Resized pictures for my article which has been approved for publication on the church employee intranet.
• Updated spreadsheets
• Stared at other spreadsheets
• Gave badge access
• Found out that PSD now covers at least two more floors. We have people everywhere from the first floor to the 28th. Crazy.
• Moved a lot x2 of people to different supervisors.
• Called bishops
• Listened to a YCSM Devotional by Sister Elaine S. Dalton
• Added agenda items to a 3 hour meeting I am glad I don't attend.
• Edited the PSD Systems Newsletter. It's all about the new software. What do I know about software? Also, I don't get excited about software...I end up taking out a lot of exclamation points because I feel it sounds like we're selling it. Why can't they just say, "We have this awesome new software that will fix this problem." I guess people don't hire minimalists for marketing.
• Filed an education re-imbursement.
• Mail. Lots of mail again.
• Distributed ads for a blood drive that I most certainly will not be attending. I hate having blood drawn.
• Collected blood drive ads to throw away three days later.
• Wrote a little
• Gave more people CDOL access
• Had four phone lines to myself...the perfect opportunity for people to call with strange questions.
• Attended a great community of practice meeting on editing.
• Attend a sisters only meeting.
• Recycle a lot of confidential paperwork. The box is locked and only has a slit so you have to shove it in a little bit at a time. Working in the directors' office, I get to recycle plenty of this.
• And... bum bum bum BUM! I successfully transferred a call for the first time ever!

In contrast to my crazy list, here is the list of things that are part of a regular schedule.

1. Create and send out a new spreadsheet on empty job positions.
2. Print the completed spreadsheet for the HR director.
3. Send out assignments for a directors meeting.
4. Attend District Meeting.

Yep. That's it.

The office was really quiet on Friday when I was answering phones. That is, until a couple women decided to take decorating into their own hands. You see, one of the directors has a 18 in. michelin man on his desk (for reasons unbeknownst to the rest of us). A couple of the managers felt that his office needed some sprucing up, so they stole the michelin man and returned it...like this:

On a more spiritual note, I have been listening to the Hope Works Series along with my scripture study and have learned a lot. They are very much like spiritual Ted Talks, and are both fun and inspiring. I just listened to this one today, and I encourage you to watch it if you have a moment:

Week 20, Ryan's Mottos, and a Story of Enchantment

Things I did this week:

• Took 3 hours to transcribe a very rough draft of a 35 minute talk. I volunteered, but it's a good thing it was a very interesting talk.
• Delivered mail to get the new mail-missionary caught up.
• Deliver a package that will assist in the translation of the scriptures into Lao. Pretty cool.
• Become anxious to the point of nauseousness because someone flirted with me. Hopefully I'll get over that by the time my mission ends...
• Run into my best-friend's husband's grandma at the temple, which made me ridiculously happy.  She was so sweet and gave me a hug, which was just what I needed that day.
• Only had to drive to Salt Lake twice this week. The office was slow, so I worked from home. =)
• Try to figure out some really confusing paperwork requests
• File more educational reimbursements...must be that time of year.
• Explain that I can't change information for an employee we haven't hired yet.
• Be at least the third person to tell someone that managers have to request employee data changes, not them! They thought they could get around the rules by getting the gullible missionary to do it. Not today, bud!
• Have a manager request to get around the system for employee changes. My manager gave him a one word answer: "nope." =) If only I could get away with that. So far, it looks like he didn't need it that bad, because he never filed the proper requests.
• Deliver five bottles of white out.
• Search the whole NOB trying to figure out who absconded with three video-carts. I only look like an innocent lost missionary...I'm really hunting you down and reporting you to the authorities. ;)
• Set up lots of agenda items.
• Set up an agenda item entitled "DAM presentation." Maybe they shouldn't use an acronym for that one. Then again, maybe it's for our own entertainment.
• Attempt to convince and/or teach people to correct their office addresses so we can deliver their mail...I should make it an assignment they have to check off so that it nags them until they do it.
• Give people access to buildings and church directories.
• Get myself into a small wild goose chase trying to figure out whose cows got loose. I thought I would just chase them back and close the gate after them, but I couldn't figure out where they got out in the first place. I guess cows are smarter than they look.
• Take Ringo for a ride in the car while I returned some library books. He was shaking with fear and smiling into the wind at the same time. Just a guess, but I don't think he's a roller-coaster kind of dog.

I always forget to post this, but within a couple of weeks Ryan made two statements that were so true to his character that we couldn't do anything but laugh.
Ryan's two mottos:

1.You should never, EVER, hurry.

2. Condiments should NOT be taken lightly.

I also have a really neat story for you this week. This is about a manager I call Enchantment. Enchantment is the nicest person. She is one of those beautiful people who glows from the inside and makes everyone around her feel loved. She even makes work requests sound loving. And she is leaving in January. I'm really sad that she's leaving, but I'm happy for her at the same time.

You see, Enchantment had cancer when she was three. The doctors saved her life, but she grew up knowing that she would never be able to have children. This is heartbreaking to me. There is something so special about the knowledge that someday I will get to feel that precious little person inside of me. Enchantment would make a wonderful mother, yet she grew up knowing she may never have that chance. This year, that changes.

Adoption is difficult, and Enchantment and her husband haven't had that opportunity so far, although they want to. Furthermore, I think it must hurt someone as empathetic as she is to know that for her to have a child, another woman must give hers up. However, Enchantment's cousin felt prompted to make a beautiful offer to this family. She offered to become a surrogate mother. I am sure this is a huge sacrifice, but you can see the joy on Enchantment's face. This baby was hers from the beginning. She gets to feel the baby kick, and wait with anticipation for his birth. They have already chosen a beautiful name for this baby boy of theirs. And when he is born, she will be right there, and the doctors will put that baby in Enchantment's arms. Her own little boy, forever. The miracle baby she never thought she would have. Miracles may not happen in the way we expect them to, but they happen. I am so happy for Enchantment and her family, and feel so blessed to watch this miracle unfold for them.

Week 19

I've been 'out' on my mission for over four months now. It's crazy. I feel like I just started. I have been very blessed. Normally a job like I am doing now, which involves processing lots of data, would make me miserable. However, despite the work sometimes being difficult and not my favorite, I really do enjoy my job in Publishing Services. I feel needed, which makes a big difference. When I began my service mission, I was afraid that they would just stick me somewhere and give me busy work to make me feel better, but that has never been the case. I feel like my contribution is valuable and my service welcomed.

I do have trouble transitioning between different kinds of jobs. If I've been handling data, it takes about twenty minutes for my brain to transition to writing. I wish it were like a switch that I could turn on and off, but that's just not how it works. I kind of have to dig into my creative zone like it's a foxhole. It's always under there, I think, but it gets buried. People don't want creative solutions to a termination form. I think I can move back to data okay, just not the other way around.

Two of my articles were published in the last little while. Listicles are popular, but they feel rather cold to me. My favorite was the Doctor Who article:

You can read "7 Tips to Make Prayer More Meaningful" here.
And read "When Bad Things Happen To Good People--Life Lessons From Doctor Who" here.


<<Insert logical transition here =) >>

One of the kids made a really gruesome jack-o-lantern this year. Besides the knife sticking out of its head, it's eating a doll's leg and there is blood dripping out of its mouth. It's both clever and disgusting. So while I wasn't planning on decorating a pumpkin this year,  I decided that our porch needed something more kid-friendly to balance out the effect. I actually had a lot of fun making mine. 

I present to you: Princess Patty. (I was just going to stick a crown and wand on a pumpkin, but mom donated all the old dress-ups, so I had to improvise. Hurrah for tinfoil!)

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Pet update: Ringo has a bow tie! I love our dog. He's so cute. It totally makes up for how neurotic he is. (He's getting older and therefore moodier.) We also tried to get him a dog sweater, but that didn't work out so great... It was too small. It was like putting the shirt on Gus-Gus in Cinderella. Poor little stuffed sausage. =)

I also found this picture, which never fails to make me smile. Ringo has since lost his raccoon tail, but we got a good laugh while he had it. He was afraid we were going to take it away, so he'd run around with it in his mouth and whine if we got to close.

And here we have Merlin, in his natural habitat. If you were to get close enough you would see that the inside of his mouth is as marbled as his fur. Unfortunately, most of those who get to see the inside of his mouth also see the inside of his stomach...

Here you can see us having a family learning experience from when dad was taking a class and had to prove that he taught five people about his experiment. Ringo is #5.

I also got a new missionary picture because they lost a bunch and had to take all of them over again.

Now for the weekly 'things I did' list:

• Process education reimbursements
• Process transfers, terminations, and every other weird request we get
• Finish an article
• Get up at 5:50 to set up for a writers symposium
• Mix up the building the symposium was in
• Be misinformed on the time the symposium started (are you sensing a trend?)
• Have a major wardrobe fail...(more on this later)
• Fix a watch (not mine)
• Fix a necklace (mine)
• Start an article for the church employee network which I think (read 'hope') nobody reads.
• Be told NOT to process paperwork because the managers are going about it all wrong and breaking the rules.
• Attend an absolutely awesome writing and editing symposium put on by the writing and editing resource managers. This made me miss school and realize how much I love the academic life. I just felt like I belonged there. These were my people! Also, I get their sense of humor, which makes a big difference in my ability to understand them.
• Fiddled with giant spreadsheets.
• Set up meetings.
• Got people building access.
• Ran into lots of glitches with the 'updated' PeopleSoft.
• Asked a bishop to clear his own wife for the Mormon Channel.
• Decided by Thursday that I am done with humans.

So...wardrobe fail. You'll get a good laugh out of this, Grammy. I know I did. 

It just so happens that I hate wearing nylons and tights. The people who designed superhero costumes obviously never had to wear nylons, because the only super thing about them is their discomfort level. I cannot see how anyone would wear a skin tight suit when they could choose street clothes. But I digress. It is starting to get cold for someone in a skirt and I was beginning to rethink my dislike of nylons, so I was delighted when mom found me thigh-high nylons. Those I can handle, right? Wrong. They were comfortable enough, but they didn't quite fit... Monday morning and I'm not even out of the conference center parking lot before I can feel them slipping down. I stop a few times and furtively adjust them but figure I will at least make it into work. By the time I'm crossing North Temple Street, in front of all the morning commuters, these nylons have mutinied. I have giant lace and elastic ruffles sinking around my calves like hideous upside-down bloomers. But as I march across the street I had the thought, "Well, it could be my skirt in the Walmart parking lot" and began to laugh. As Grammy taught me, you can cry or you can laugh. It's better to laugh.

I love you all. Have a wonderful week.

-Sister Ward

Hey Sister!

Usually I only write song parodies about the pets, but every once and a while I find one that sums up someone perfectly. I'm working on one for Ryan and another for Ringo, but I haven't perfected them yet. I found one for myself, however, that was just too easy:

The following is "Hey Sister!" an HR Assistant's parody of "Fake ID" from footloose (for reference, the NOB is what we call the North Office Building):

Hey, I've been calling all over the square

On my desk-phone wearin' it out

And I've finally tracked you down

Hey, everybody says you're the one

The final piece to get this done

You got my numbers and I got to run

Well I know that you got it

Come on and just get it

Got clout in my department

You know I gotta get it

Hey Sister won't you get me a new ID

There's a hire in the list that I'm dying to see

I got my hurry and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you get me a new ID

Hey, don't even think about tellin' me no

It's only twenty minutes till the old guy goes

Hey Sister turn it over let's go

No, I ain't gonna fill out workfront

Just make sure that number’s in front

So those directors don't stall my hunt

And don't go get lazy

Though my memory’s hazy

Don't dilly dally

I gotta go and add up my tally

Hey Sister won't you get me an access key

There's a guy in the NOB that I'm trying to see

I got my meeting and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you get me an access key

Here's my number, now get me on my way

Gonna push my idea to the top of the page

Hey Sister won't you rid me of this ID

There's a guy in this list that I don’t need to see

I got my screenshot and you got what I need

Hey Sister, hey Sister!

Hey Sister won't you get me a cleared ID

There's a gal for the film that we’re dying to see

We got a channel and you got what we need

Hey Sister won't you get me a cleared ID

Hey Sister won't you find me a different ID

There's a digit in this row that I don’t like to see

I got my hurry and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you find me a different ID

Hey Sister, hey Sister!

Week 18

First, some primary stories for your enjoyment:

-We were sitting in the chapel before sacrament meeting when I hear a five year old run in, shouting at his nine-ish year old brother, "Joseph.... Joseph....you didn't hold the door for me! You're supposed to be a gentleman!"

-Jimmy was having a really hard time sitting still in sharing time a few weeks ago. He was turning about the room, pretending to shoot people with a pump action shotgun. Our conversation went something like this:
"Jimmy, can you be reverent?....Jimmy, what are you supposed to be thinking about?"
"Um...Jesus?"
"Yes, is this helping you to think about Jesus?"
A pause, "...No."
"Why don't we work on being reverent so we can think about Jesus."
"But...but...I won't be able to shoot in heaven, so I have to do it now!"
"Hmmm....." (hiding a smile) "Well why don't we practice for heaven then."
I then told him if he was really reverent he could put the role under the door. I've never seen him sit so quietly.

-I made a primary behavior clip chart for my class since they were having so much trouble being reverent. I've never seen them act so angelically. I was so proud of them. Of course, the novelty will wear off quickly, but if we can just make it through the primary program...

This week's craziness made up for last week being relaxed. I barely had time to eat. These are some of the things that I did this week:

• Get permission to ignore someone's 'emergencies' until I'm told to go ahead with the work by my HR supervisors.
• Deliver more mail. ; /
• Give someone the numbers from a spreadsheet that they have access to as well as weekly reminders to fill out...
• Have a fight with a job code. I lost.
• Go on a donut run for my supervisor stuck in a long meeting. Better her than me. Plus, I still got a donut without having to suffer to earn it.
• Leave my printout on the printer overnight twice in one week.
• Give an armadillo load of people building access because they keep moving!
• Process an elephant load of electronic 'paperwork.' (For those of you who are wondering, according to the Mandy-Camille Dictionary, this is huge, way more than an armadillo load or a boatload).
• Make an e-mail distribution list for all of our ESG temp employees. This took forever!
• Be patient with managers who nag me about an assignment that only got to me two hours ago.
• Hunt down mis-categorized employees.
• Nearly miss my exit because my audiobook was so good.
• Run errands.
• Deliver more batteries to the North Office Building. I don't know what they use them for, but they sure go through a lot. (My poor purse. Some women carry makeup and keys. I carry stickers and bandaids for emergencies, a laptop charger, batteries, and my lunch.)
• Deliver 6 packs of dry erase markers to the North Office Building...to the same person that needed the batteries.
• Man the phones by myself. Four phones are four too many for someone who doesn't even answer her own phone.
• Set up a WebEx conference meeting, kinda. I needed a lot of help because once we got one thing to work then something else would go wrong. I now know why people complain about attending video conferences. They're even worse to host.
• Get asked more questions I don't know the answer to. I want to have an automatic e-mail response that says "Sister Ward doesn't know!" You remember President Nelson's talk where he says "Ask the missionaries! They can help you!" This is one case where it does not apply! I know I answer the help line. I know I am the HR assistant. It just means I go and ask someone else. Why would I know who to talk to if your phone isn't working?
• Try a dessert from New Zealand. This one is like merengue, melts in your mouth, and takes over 24 hours to make. Crazy.
• Get a bishop clearance. They've all been easy since the first one that got mad at me. Of course, it just had to be the first time I made one of those calls.
• Unsuccessfully hide from managers to eat my lunch.

In other news, Ringo learned to do a headstand! Okay, not really. We were playing the game where we throw frozen peas across the kitchen to watch him scramble after them. One went off the step into the living room and he overshot. His stubby hind quarters came after the rest of him and just hung in the air for a few seconds while his legs flailed around helplessly above his head. He doesn't like to have his paws off the ground, but we found it hilarious.

That's it for this week. I love you all,

Sister Ward

Week 17

Are you ready for the newest update? Good, you can relax, it was actually pretty quiet this week.

This week I:

• Learned how to set up a WebEx meeting.
• Taught a third person how to do the mail.
• Called all the departments on the directory to make sure their number was right.
• Hunted down all the fax machines to check their numbers.
• Ordered business cards.
• Explained nicely that nobody is working on new hires because, if you recall, PeopleSoft is down, and we are not the lazy bums you seem to think we are. (Insert plastic-y fake smile here).
• Make up answers to questions that I know little about.
• Change lots of stuff like dept IDs and locations on PeopleSoft, which is finally back up.
• Cut all the bragging and fluff out of department announcements (reducing the text by half).
• Assign badge access (for some reason these requests always come in on Wednesday, the one day I can't access the website because I'm home. Why is that?).
• Sign up for a writers' symposium offered for Church employees. Yes!
• Submit a couple of articles for consideration.
• Send lots and lots of e-mails.
• Digitize some of our family history records. There's some interesting characters in our family. The guy who told his wife he came to Mexico because he dreamt about her? Yeah, he was actually wanted in Texas for cattle hustling.
• Ate a lot of junk food because the family left me a stash before they left for fall break. (Thanks, Mom).
• Finally dug some of my winter clothes out of the basement. I feel like I'm giving in to winter. I want it to stay warm! At least it has been nice and sunny.

For the first time in months, I didn't have to knock on someone's door to ask how to do something. I'm getting better at this thing! Or maybe people have finally figured out that I don't know and started asking someone else...

Also, after trying to track down phone numbers and fax machines, I got another taste of how big our department is. We have offices in three different buildings. If we put them all in one, we would take up seven floors; thats 1/4 of the Church Office Building! I guess that's why I spend so much time just fixing department numbers...

Week 16

This week was pretty relaxed, which is a nice change. Fantastically Unfortunately,  PeopleSoft, the software we use for everything HR related, is down for maintenance, so whenever somebody wanted something pushed through right away I could just say, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until PeopleSoft is back up and running."

Our district has also split, which is really strange. When I started my mission there were maybe 20 missionaries, but as of this week we have 42.

In other news, the Elder that took over doing the mail is going to train a new Elder to do it so that "We'll both be free!" I have a feeling that this job is going to keep on getting pushed down to newer missionaries, because nobody wants to do the mail. People either don't have time, hate it, or aren't reliable enough to do the mail every day.

Ready for the crazy list? Here are some of the other things I did this week:

• Watch and read articles from the Leadership Enrichment Series to find quotes for the Directors talk for the meeting I do not attend. They aren't available to the general public, which is a shame, because they are really neat. They are all about leading like the Savior. Also, the unscripted Elder Hales is hilarious. Who knew?
• Puzzle out the mistakes in spreadsheets
• Set up meetings and agendas
• Work on cleaning up the leadership directory for the one person who uses it (and happens to be the manager).
• Call a bishop for a interview clearance (This one did not yell, thank you).
• Discover that if you thank someone for their patience ahead of time, they feel like they can't be cranky with you.
• Assign more badge access to the North Office Building (why don't they just make that part of the package deal? It's part of PSD!)
• Start Accutane...again.
• Let Ringo chase seagulls.
• Go to institute and attend the temple.
• Do sealings for the first time with Mom and Dad! This was a really neat experience. On top of that, I was able to do work for the same names that I have done baptisms for. I wish I knew what these people thought as the blessings were made available to them. I think some of them have been very excited. Really, the sealing work is the culmination. It makes me glad to know that these people aren't alone, that they can be with their families in the spirit world.
• Conveniently escaped the district meeting which had a lesson on dating while you are a service missionary (which I can not), and meeting with advisors (I do not need help selecting a school or major thank you. If I change my mind at this point, I have bigger problems).
• Spend over 9 hours driving.
• Tease the cat. He still likes to sit in front of Bethany's door and whine. He thinks if he makes enough of a racket she is just going to let him in to dine on her goldfish. It can't be that we would deny him the shiny swimmies that he so desires, so we must simply not understand what he wants!

I can't link to the articles I read in the Leadership Series, but I think I can share a couple of the quotes from Elder Hales that really stood out to me as I was reading:

This one is funny, but I think is good for anyone willing to invest in any kind of relationship:

 "I tell the priesthood when I’m with them, “I want you to go home from this meeting today and I want you just to ask two questions of your wife: How could I be a better companion? And how could I be a better husband? How could I be a better father?” And then I say, “Duck.” Because the next half hour will be the toughest half hour you’ve ever had in your life. But listen. And if you’re willing to listen on how you can improve, that makes all the difference."

This one was my favorite: 

"Well, we’ve talked about it even in personnel matters. You have to understand what you have to do is start with your personal life. What you have to do is start with three columns. And one says “fight,” one says “flow,” and one says “flee.” I would not have understood this. I didn’t learn it until my third heart attack, literally, and realized that I was trying to be everything for everybody. I was trying to do everything for everybody.

And what I began to realize was in my personal life, there’s only two or three things I will put everything that I have up against: my family, for sure; maybe one or two projects that I get in the Church like the curriculum project and what we’re doing. I can do one or two of those. I can give everything I’ve got. And the third one is service opportunities. But then I had to drop a whole list of things. I couldn’t go to all of the funerals, I couldn’t do all of the sealings, I couldn’t go to all the weddings and receptions. I just can’t do it. And so the hardest thing was convincing myself. So I do it with letters."

 -Elder Robert D. Hales

Week 13, 14, and 15? I've lost count.

Yes, I'm starting to lose count. I planned to post more regularly, but since I started doing Gretchen's job, life has been a lot crazier. I'm glad that I am doing something that is needed, but I will be relieved when her maternity leave is over. I will miss my giant desk though.

Here are a few of the things I did in the last few weeks:

• Put up signs reminding people to turn off projector.
• Answer a lot of e-mails
• Get asked a lot of questions
• Ask a lot of questions (usually because someone else asked me. Hint, people, Sister Ward doesn't know!)
• Get lists of people with wrong information that somehow I'm supposed to fix. The info, not the people. 
• Writers community of practice... we had a great lesson on how we can't write meaningfully if we don't take care of ourselves emotionally.
• Process terminations
• Explain that I can't process things until they are approved...again.
• Set up meetings
• Refill the mint bowl...a lot.
• Return badges
• Give people badge access
• Know more about people's hiring than I ever wanted
• Bishop clearances
• Finally make it to the post office
• Write short writer bios and upload them to our writers page.
• Learn how to change the cartridges in a giant printer (The cartridges are the size of baseball bats).
• Learn how to process promotions
• Learn I need to tell managers "no" when they want me to change something they don't like but is right.
• Realize that everyone thinks their task is an emergency and not to take them seriously. You'd die of apoplexy before lunch.
• Change people's departments...a lot.
• Begin the process of remaking CDOL, the Church Directory of Leaders, for Publishing Services. This will involve cutting and gluing all the org charts until I figure them out.
• Typing up a story for the director (I was so excited to be asked to do something I knew how to do, it was ridiculous.)
• Teach someone new the mail run...again.
• Go crosseyed over spreadsheets
• Finally transfer a call correctly...after more than a few panicked attempts at button pushing.
• Have a panic attack while getting my blood drawn...whoops.
• Go to the temple (Wednesday is my temple day. I love it).
• Process an education reimbursement
• Sign up for a free biblical Hebrew class held during lunch. As a missionary I get all the same benefits as an employee, so I'm looking forward to trying this class.

This was just a crazy fun list to think about what I did in the last few weeks. I do love my mission. It can be exhausting and frustrating at times, but I know I am where I'm supposed to be. And of course, everyone is so nice. The HR Business partners that I report to are some of the nicest gentlemen, and the let me pester them with questions all day long without showing any annoyance. Together we share the dream of going through an entire day without receiving a single e-mail. =) I saw a quote in one of their offices today that made me smile: "Grandpas exist to get kids into mischief they haven't thought of yet." The other partner has a quote that has helped me too: "The more times you fail, the sooner you will succeed." That one is good for me to remember when I am scared of making mistakes.

I also attended a meeting explaining the HBDI, or Hermann Brain Dominance Instrument. It's pretty cool. They have all the employees take a test that is kind of an in depth personality test.  It turns out I'm in the right major for my brain! Good thing, since it's getting a bit late to be changing my mind. I'm somewhat balanced, but mostly favor red and yellow, or red and green if I'm under pressure. Pretty much I'm good at or enjoy interpersonal, feeling based work and creativity, but when I'm stressed my creativity turns into planning and details. It also tells you, based on your profile, what things you might overlook when trying to communicate with others (which is kind of the point of this test in a work environment). If you can figure out, or are told where someone lies, you know the best way to communicate with them. Apparently (and truthfully) I struggle with high volumes of data , lack of personal connection/participation, and following processes. I always thought processes and regulations were just a necessary evil, but apparently some people really like them and when I dismiss them it upsets other people. So I'm trying to be more patient with all the finicky processes we have to go through when working in an office.

Here is a brief overview:

Some other fun stories: 

The other day I was eating breakfast while Carter got his laundry started (it should be noted that he does nothing quietly. He has only one volume). I hear "OW!" and then a few seconds later a weird "AwAwAwAwAw...ooooooohh!" He figured out how to make a new weird sound by hitting himself in the throat while singing and he got so excited he squealed and had to come out and show us. He may be a goof, but he's a cute one.

Bethany's new goldfish had two near death experiences in one day. She put too much metal detoxifier in the water the first time and they started going belly up. We saved them, but they were probably in shock for a while. Then later that day my dad hears a crash, and what does he find? Merlin couldn't fit his head in the fishbowl, so he knocked it off the desk so he could get a closer look at those shiny, swimmy thingies. He had his nuisance of a nose about an inch away from the fish on the carpet before my dad rescued it. Now whenever Merlin sneaks into Bethany's room we see him get dumped out, quite unceremoniously.

The other great Merlin story: Merlin puts up with everything. He gets carted around like a rag doll all the time and he just lets the kids do it. Anyway, Bethany came down with him during General Conference, and he was wearing a balloon pattern baby bib. He looked extremely put out. Probably hard to put fear into your enemies when you're wearing a baby bib...

In other news, I saw Elder Rasband and accidentally ignored Elder Holland when he waved at me. Cognitively I knew that the floor was locked down because General Authorities were using it, but people in suits go by all the time...It wasn't until another sister waved back and said "That was Elder Holland!" that I realized that I had just ignored a General Authority. I'm still a bit annoyed with myself for that one.

I hope you all had a lovely General Conference. I loved a lot of the talks, but this one was probably one of my favorites. It was just what I needed to hear.

That's it for now, I hope everyone is doing well.

-Sister Ward

P.S. I love you.

Week 12

I really ought to take notes on what I do throughout the week because by the time we get to the end of it, I've forgotten half of what happened. I can share a few small things this week though.

Sheri Dew said hi to me this week. She was coming out of a meeting with Large-and-in-Charge. Afterwards he said she was really intimidating. I was surprised, since everyone says she is so nice, and I said so. He said she's amazing and she makes him "feel loved and appreciated and intimidated all at once." That is a strange combination, but I believe him.

I really like Large-and-in-Charge. I felt below the notice of our last director, but the new one greets me by name and asks how I am doing, which is nice. He also stresses me out a lot less. Also, I help with his calendar which tells you a little more about a person. He comes in early and works long hours, but he always blocks out his home time so that he leaves on time to be with his family, which I think is really great.

Big Announcement: I have a desk! Okay, so it's not really my desk, but I have the run of a cubicle with a giant desk now. The reason for this is that my friend and part-time supervisor, Gretchen, finally had her baby. I'm really happy for her, but I'm also slightly terrified, because it means that I am now in charge of doing her job. She's trained me really well though, and her bosses have said that I can make mistakes and ask as many questions as I need, which is very comforting.

I also have a funny story for you, courtesy of my primary class (names have been changed):
Jimmy, one of the boys in my class, loves to talk. He could talk the whole time if I let him. This time he raised his and said "Can I tell you just one thing?" I kind of know where this is going, but I give him a chance because I want the kids to feel loved. Sure enough, this one thing is a story that seems to have no direction. It started off with him puking a lot and then running into his uncle at the hospital. After about two minutes, I gently interrupt him and ask, "Does this story have to do with our lesson, Jimmy?" He looks at me, his brow furrowed deep in concern, "Nooo....but...." I had to smile at his expression, but I tried to convince him to leave his story until the end of class. Then Eva, who is a real firecracker, puts her hand over his mouth and orders sternly: "Don't leave it until next class. Leave it until you're dead."   I probably shouldn't have let her get away with that, but I was too busy trying not to laugh and to get the kids involved in the lesson. Oh, eight-year-olds are priceless.

I also had a mini-epiphany this week at institute that I can share with you: We always talk about  how the family is essential to the Plan of Salvation. I don't think that's quite right. The family doesn't support the Plan of Salvation, the Plan of Salvation exists to support the family--the family of God.

That's it for this week. I hope you are all doing well. I love you!

Week 11

I feel like I didn't do anything this week, but in reality I just did thousands of small things that add up to consume a lot of time. I don't mind doing them, but if you are trying to work on something that takes extended thought (like writing), getting derailed every two minutes makes it impossible.

Here are some of the things I did this week:

• Institute
• Explain that I only deliver mail, not pick it up, so it's not my fault if it goes to the wrong place nor do I know how to fix the problem.
• Move eight boxes (not reams, boxes) of paper.
• Deliver a case of tissues.
• Use the maintenance elevator in 3 different buildings.
• Schedule about 30 meetings (we finally fixed the calendar problems!)
• Work on a memory book for the previous director
• Interview one writer and finally write their bio.
• Nag one more writer--I finally got a response!
• Avoid answering the phone because I'm still afraid people will ask questions I don't know the answer to or I will drop the call.
• Get lost in City Creek Mall while trying to run an errand.
• Find a phone case that is both cheap, indestructible, sleek, and "not zippy." (The director's last phone shattered when he dropped it, so we're trying to protect our new investment).
• Practice processing resignations and re-entering them as empty positions.
• Process receipts.
• Celebrate that my companion's cancer was miraculously removed when it was first discovered.
• Work on a puzzle...more on this to come. =)
• Tease Ringo about his new haircut.
• Take a VIP tour of the tabernacle with my district and the producer of all MoTab performances. Did you know there is a Native American buried underneath? They discovered him/her while doing renovations and the Ute tribe requested that the person be replaced and then built over. I think that makes for a pretty cool burial site, personally. They can listen to MoTab practice. Also, the organ in the Tabernacle has over 11,000 pipes. For comparison, the one in the Conference Center has more power but has only 7,000 pipes. We got to see all the recording rooms and things. The sound studio is specially built to remove excess sound and so its only connection to the rest of the building is by sitting on a styrofoam platform.
• Juggle meetings
• Become a companion study leader (making me the official boss of companion study instead of the sheepish but impatient unofficial one).
• Create a powerpoint for an employee meeting that I don't attend because it is on Wednesdays.
• Schedule about three meetings at 3:30 AM instead of PM and have to reschedule them because people know exactly what I meant but don't like the way it shows on their calendars.

Sometimes when I am tired I get discouraged. Fall is my favorite season and it is hard to go to Salt Lake every day when I know school is in session. I've been a full time student until now, and I love learning, so it is hard to do something new. As the weather gets colder I also miss my comfy school clothes more. I miss jeans. A lot. I kind of had a minor emotional breakdown because I had to buy winter church shoes and I don't want to wear them. There's nothing wrong with the shoes, I just wanted more casual ones.

Despite the little difficulties, I also know that I am where I am supposed to be. I don't really understand why, but I feel at peace with where I am and what I am doing. I may not be serving a traditional mission, but I am still serving the Lord, and I am just as valuable in his sight.