Week 22- Primary Tales

This last week has been an odd one. Because I serve a mission as a Church employee, I can't go in to work on holidays. Instead I serve from home. I don't mind this when it is only a day, but I've learned that it is hard to be a self-motivated missionary when everyone else is on a holiday for a few days. It's not that I dislike the work...it just doesn't feel very urgent and if I'm in a funk I don't feel like doing anything. This week though, I am going to rededicate myself to the work.

We also had the primary program last week. Oh boy. I didn't like all the practicing it involved as a kid, but I do enjoy watching as an adult. I sit somewhere in the middle as a teacher. This time, about 10 minutes into the program, Jimmy looks back and me and asks, "Can I go the the bathroom?" I shook my head. Of course he can't go in the middle of the program! He frowned at me. "When are we going to have a break?" And so I found myself explaining during the Valiant 8 lines, that we were not going to have a bathroom break in the middle of the actual performance... This is one of those things I never thought I would say as a teacher. You learn new things every day.

Jimmy also likes to tell stories. Before we began our lesson on forgiveness, I asked the kids if how they had practiced service last week, to follow up on the previous lesson. The kids all give their answers, telling how they helped clean and put their little brothers to bed, but Jimmy isn't done. I knew I might regret this, but I let him go ahead.  He starts "I served my mom by putting my little brother to bed and cleaning up his toys, and..." I looked at him suspiciously, "Jimmy...you don't have a little brother. I thought you were the youngest." Yep. He's totally spinning a yarn, but he's not done. He tries to convince us that he was really helping his mom put his big brother to bed. Uh-huh. "Thank you, Jimmy. Maybe you can serve your mom this week by putting yourself to bed." That funny kid. He wasn't trying to lie. He just loves to talk, and he'll do anything to spin a good yarn. I just had to laugh. At least this one didn't involve blood, puking, or the various changing colors of his cold sore...

After the primary program last week, we played a game of scripture charades. This was hilarious. One, because the sunbeams had noah's ark, but they all wanted to be the animals, leaving nobody to be Noah. And secondly, because my class is way too enthusiastic. We got the story of Jonah and the whale. Even our usually calm Suzie is jumping up and down to be Jonah because, "Whales are my favorite!" I'd already told Carson that he could be Jonah, so I said, "How about you and Annie be the whale?" I've never seen a whale bounce and squeal so much. Meanwhile, the rest of the kids played the sailors that threw Jonah overboard. Unfortunately, they got a little too enthusiastic and poor Carson when flying so far the 'whale' had to chase him down to swallow him. It was quite the charade.

Week 21- Rachel and the Michelin Turkey

I had a special treat this week. My friend Rachel and I arranged to go to the temple together (quite a feat when you do it through weekly e-mail). It was wonderful to see her and hear how she was doing.

 Some of the things I've done:

• Repaired last week's transcription (It was really rough, as you recall).
• Transcribed a new speech
• Resized pictures for my article which has been approved for publication on the church employee intranet.
• Updated spreadsheets
• Stared at other spreadsheets
• Gave badge access
• Found out that PSD now covers at least two more floors. We have people everywhere from the first floor to the 28th. Crazy.
• Moved a lot x2 of people to different supervisors.
• Called bishops
• Listened to a YCSM Devotional by Sister Elaine S. Dalton
• Added agenda items to a 3 hour meeting I am glad I don't attend.
• Edited the PSD Systems Newsletter. It's all about the new software. What do I know about software? Also, I don't get excited about software...I end up taking out a lot of exclamation points because I feel it sounds like we're selling it. Why can't they just say, "We have this awesome new software that will fix this problem." I guess people don't hire minimalists for marketing.
• Filed an education re-imbursement.
• Mail. Lots of mail again.
• Distributed ads for a blood drive that I most certainly will not be attending. I hate having blood drawn.
• Collected blood drive ads to throw away three days later.
• Wrote a little
• Gave more people CDOL access
• Had four phone lines to myself...the perfect opportunity for people to call with strange questions.
• Attended a great community of practice meeting on editing.
• Attend a sisters only meeting.
• Recycle a lot of confidential paperwork. The box is locked and only has a slit so you have to shove it in a little bit at a time. Working in the directors' office, I get to recycle plenty of this.
• And... bum bum bum BUM! I successfully transferred a call for the first time ever!

In contrast to my crazy list, here is the list of things that are part of a regular schedule.

1. Create and send out a new spreadsheet on empty job positions.
2. Print the completed spreadsheet for the HR director.
3. Send out assignments for a directors meeting.
4. Attend District Meeting.

Yep. That's it.

The office was really quiet on Friday when I was answering phones. That is, until a couple women decided to take decorating into their own hands. You see, one of the directors has a 18 in. michelin man on his desk (for reasons unbeknownst to the rest of us). A couple of the managers felt that his office needed some sprucing up, so they stole the michelin man and returned it...like this:

On a more spiritual note, I have been listening to the Hope Works Series along with my scripture study and have learned a lot. They are very much like spiritual Ted Talks, and are both fun and inspiring. I just listened to this one today, and I encourage you to watch it if you have a moment:

Week 20, Ryan's Mottos, and a Story of Enchantment

Things I did this week:

• Took 3 hours to transcribe a very rough draft of a 35 minute talk. I volunteered, but it's a good thing it was a very interesting talk.
• Delivered mail to get the new mail-missionary caught up.
• Deliver a package that will assist in the translation of the scriptures into Lao. Pretty cool.
• Become anxious to the point of nauseousness because someone flirted with me. Hopefully I'll get over that by the time my mission ends...
• Run into my best-friend's husband's grandma at the temple, which made me ridiculously happy.  She was so sweet and gave me a hug, which was just what I needed that day.
• Only had to drive to Salt Lake twice this week. The office was slow, so I worked from home. =)
• Try to figure out some really confusing paperwork requests
• File more educational reimbursements...must be that time of year.
• Explain that I can't change information for an employee we haven't hired yet.
• Be at least the third person to tell someone that managers have to request employee data changes, not them! They thought they could get around the rules by getting the gullible missionary to do it. Not today, bud!
• Have a manager request to get around the system for employee changes. My manager gave him a one word answer: "nope." =) If only I could get away with that. So far, it looks like he didn't need it that bad, because he never filed the proper requests.
• Deliver five bottles of white out.
• Search the whole NOB trying to figure out who absconded with three video-carts. I only look like an innocent lost missionary...I'm really hunting you down and reporting you to the authorities. ;)
• Set up lots of agenda items.
• Set up an agenda item entitled "DAM presentation." Maybe they shouldn't use an acronym for that one. Then again, maybe it's for our own entertainment.
• Attempt to convince and/or teach people to correct their office addresses so we can deliver their mail...I should make it an assignment they have to check off so that it nags them until they do it.
• Give people access to buildings and church directories.
• Get myself into a small wild goose chase trying to figure out whose cows got loose. I thought I would just chase them back and close the gate after them, but I couldn't figure out where they got out in the first place. I guess cows are smarter than they look.
• Take Ringo for a ride in the car while I returned some library books. He was shaking with fear and smiling into the wind at the same time. Just a guess, but I don't think he's a roller-coaster kind of dog.

I always forget to post this, but within a couple of weeks Ryan made two statements that were so true to his character that we couldn't do anything but laugh.
Ryan's two mottos:

1.You should never, EVER, hurry.

2. Condiments should NOT be taken lightly.

I also have a really neat story for you this week. This is about a manager I call Enchantment. Enchantment is the nicest person. She is one of those beautiful people who glows from the inside and makes everyone around her feel loved. She even makes work requests sound loving. And she is leaving in January. I'm really sad that she's leaving, but I'm happy for her at the same time.

You see, Enchantment had cancer when she was three. The doctors saved her life, but she grew up knowing that she would never be able to have children. This is heartbreaking to me. There is something so special about the knowledge that someday I will get to feel that precious little person inside of me. Enchantment would make a wonderful mother, yet she grew up knowing she may never have that chance. This year, that changes.

Adoption is difficult, and Enchantment and her husband haven't had that opportunity so far, although they want to. Furthermore, I think it must hurt someone as empathetic as she is to know that for her to have a child, another woman must give hers up. However, Enchantment's cousin felt prompted to make a beautiful offer to this family. She offered to become a surrogate mother. I am sure this is a huge sacrifice, but you can see the joy on Enchantment's face. This baby was hers from the beginning. She gets to feel the baby kick, and wait with anticipation for his birth. They have already chosen a beautiful name for this baby boy of theirs. And when he is born, she will be right there, and the doctors will put that baby in Enchantment's arms. Her own little boy, forever. The miracle baby she never thought she would have. Miracles may not happen in the way we expect them to, but they happen. I am so happy for Enchantment and her family, and feel so blessed to watch this miracle unfold for them.

Week 19

I've been 'out' on my mission for over four months now. It's crazy. I feel like I just started. I have been very blessed. Normally a job like I am doing now, which involves processing lots of data, would make me miserable. However, despite the work sometimes being difficult and not my favorite, I really do enjoy my job in Publishing Services. I feel needed, which makes a big difference. When I began my service mission, I was afraid that they would just stick me somewhere and give me busy work to make me feel better, but that has never been the case. I feel like my contribution is valuable and my service welcomed.

I do have trouble transitioning between different kinds of jobs. If I've been handling data, it takes about twenty minutes for my brain to transition to writing. I wish it were like a switch that I could turn on and off, but that's just not how it works. I kind of have to dig into my creative zone like it's a foxhole. It's always under there, I think, but it gets buried. People don't want creative solutions to a termination form. I think I can move back to data okay, just not the other way around.

Two of my articles were published in the last little while. Listicles are popular, but they feel rather cold to me. My favorite was the Doctor Who article:

You can read "7 Tips to Make Prayer More Meaningful" here.
And read "When Bad Things Happen To Good People--Life Lessons From Doctor Who" here.


<<Insert logical transition here =) >>

One of the kids made a really gruesome jack-o-lantern this year. Besides the knife sticking out of its head, it's eating a doll's leg and there is blood dripping out of its mouth. It's both clever and disgusting. So while I wasn't planning on decorating a pumpkin this year,  I decided that our porch needed something more kid-friendly to balance out the effect. I actually had a lot of fun making mine. 

I present to you: Princess Patty. (I was just going to stick a crown and wand on a pumpkin, but mom donated all the old dress-ups, so I had to improvise. Hurrah for tinfoil!)

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Pet update: Ringo has a bow tie! I love our dog. He's so cute. It totally makes up for how neurotic he is. (He's getting older and therefore moodier.) We also tried to get him a dog sweater, but that didn't work out so great... It was too small. It was like putting the shirt on Gus-Gus in Cinderella. Poor little stuffed sausage. =)

I also found this picture, which never fails to make me smile. Ringo has since lost his raccoon tail, but we got a good laugh while he had it. He was afraid we were going to take it away, so he'd run around with it in his mouth and whine if we got to close.

And here we have Merlin, in his natural habitat. If you were to get close enough you would see that the inside of his mouth is as marbled as his fur. Unfortunately, most of those who get to see the inside of his mouth also see the inside of his stomach...

Here you can see us having a family learning experience from when dad was taking a class and had to prove that he taught five people about his experiment. Ringo is #5.

I also got a new missionary picture because they lost a bunch and had to take all of them over again.

Now for the weekly 'things I did' list:

• Process education reimbursements
• Process transfers, terminations, and every other weird request we get
• Finish an article
• Get up at 5:50 to set up for a writers symposium
• Mix up the building the symposium was in
• Be misinformed on the time the symposium started (are you sensing a trend?)
• Have a major wardrobe fail...(more on this later)
• Fix a watch (not mine)
• Fix a necklace (mine)
• Start an article for the church employee network which I think (read 'hope') nobody reads.
• Be told NOT to process paperwork because the managers are going about it all wrong and breaking the rules.
• Attend an absolutely awesome writing and editing symposium put on by the writing and editing resource managers. This made me miss school and realize how much I love the academic life. I just felt like I belonged there. These were my people! Also, I get their sense of humor, which makes a big difference in my ability to understand them.
• Fiddled with giant spreadsheets.
• Set up meetings.
• Got people building access.
• Ran into lots of glitches with the 'updated' PeopleSoft.
• Asked a bishop to clear his own wife for the Mormon Channel.
• Decided by Thursday that I am done with humans.

So...wardrobe fail. You'll get a good laugh out of this, Grammy. I know I did. 

It just so happens that I hate wearing nylons and tights. The people who designed superhero costumes obviously never had to wear nylons, because the only super thing about them is their discomfort level. I cannot see how anyone would wear a skin tight suit when they could choose street clothes. But I digress. It is starting to get cold for someone in a skirt and I was beginning to rethink my dislike of nylons, so I was delighted when mom found me thigh-high nylons. Those I can handle, right? Wrong. They were comfortable enough, but they didn't quite fit... Monday morning and I'm not even out of the conference center parking lot before I can feel them slipping down. I stop a few times and furtively adjust them but figure I will at least make it into work. By the time I'm crossing North Temple Street, in front of all the morning commuters, these nylons have mutinied. I have giant lace and elastic ruffles sinking around my calves like hideous upside-down bloomers. But as I march across the street I had the thought, "Well, it could be my skirt in the Walmart parking lot" and began to laugh. As Grammy taught me, you can cry or you can laugh. It's better to laugh.

I love you all. Have a wonderful week.

-Sister Ward

Hey Sister!

Usually I only write song parodies about the pets, but every once and a while I find one that sums up someone perfectly. I'm working on one for Ryan and another for Ringo, but I haven't perfected them yet. I found one for myself, however, that was just too easy:

The following is "Hey Sister!" an HR Assistant's parody of "Fake ID" from footloose (for reference, the NOB is what we call the North Office Building):

Hey, I've been calling all over the square

On my desk-phone wearin' it out

And I've finally tracked you down

Hey, everybody says you're the one

The final piece to get this done

You got my numbers and I got to run

Well I know that you got it

Come on and just get it

Got clout in my department

You know I gotta get it

Hey Sister won't you get me a new ID

There's a hire in the list that I'm dying to see

I got my hurry and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you get me a new ID

Hey, don't even think about tellin' me no

It's only twenty minutes till the old guy goes

Hey Sister turn it over let's go

No, I ain't gonna fill out workfront

Just make sure that number’s in front

So those directors don't stall my hunt

And don't go get lazy

Though my memory’s hazy

Don't dilly dally

I gotta go and add up my tally

Hey Sister won't you get me an access key

There's a guy in the NOB that I'm trying to see

I got my meeting and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you get me an access key

Here's my number, now get me on my way

Gonna push my idea to the top of the page

Hey Sister won't you rid me of this ID

There's a guy in this list that I don’t need to see

I got my screenshot and you got what I need

Hey Sister, hey Sister!

Hey Sister won't you get me a cleared ID

There's a gal for the film that we’re dying to see

We got a channel and you got what we need

Hey Sister won't you get me a cleared ID

Hey Sister won't you find me a different ID

There's a digit in this row that I don’t like to see

I got my hurry and you got what I need

Hey Sister won't you find me a different ID

Hey Sister, hey Sister!

Week 18

First, some primary stories for your enjoyment:

-We were sitting in the chapel before sacrament meeting when I hear a five year old run in, shouting at his nine-ish year old brother, "Joseph.... Joseph....you didn't hold the door for me! You're supposed to be a gentleman!"

-Jimmy was having a really hard time sitting still in sharing time a few weeks ago. He was turning about the room, pretending to shoot people with a pump action shotgun. Our conversation went something like this:
"Jimmy, can you be reverent?....Jimmy, what are you supposed to be thinking about?"
"Um...Jesus?"
"Yes, is this helping you to think about Jesus?"
A pause, "...No."
"Why don't we work on being reverent so we can think about Jesus."
"But...but...I won't be able to shoot in heaven, so I have to do it now!"
"Hmmm....." (hiding a smile) "Well why don't we practice for heaven then."
I then told him if he was really reverent he could put the role under the door. I've never seen him sit so quietly.

-I made a primary behavior clip chart for my class since they were having so much trouble being reverent. I've never seen them act so angelically. I was so proud of them. Of course, the novelty will wear off quickly, but if we can just make it through the primary program...

This week's craziness made up for last week being relaxed. I barely had time to eat. These are some of the things that I did this week:

• Get permission to ignore someone's 'emergencies' until I'm told to go ahead with the work by my HR supervisors.
• Deliver more mail. ; /
• Give someone the numbers from a spreadsheet that they have access to as well as weekly reminders to fill out...
• Have a fight with a job code. I lost.
• Go on a donut run for my supervisor stuck in a long meeting. Better her than me. Plus, I still got a donut without having to suffer to earn it.
• Leave my printout on the printer overnight twice in one week.
• Give an armadillo load of people building access because they keep moving!
• Process an elephant load of electronic 'paperwork.' (For those of you who are wondering, according to the Mandy-Camille Dictionary, this is huge, way more than an armadillo load or a boatload).
• Make an e-mail distribution list for all of our ESG temp employees. This took forever!
• Be patient with managers who nag me about an assignment that only got to me two hours ago.
• Hunt down mis-categorized employees.
• Nearly miss my exit because my audiobook was so good.
• Run errands.
• Deliver more batteries to the North Office Building. I don't know what they use them for, but they sure go through a lot. (My poor purse. Some women carry makeup and keys. I carry stickers and bandaids for emergencies, a laptop charger, batteries, and my lunch.)
• Deliver 6 packs of dry erase markers to the North Office Building...to the same person that needed the batteries.
• Man the phones by myself. Four phones are four too many for someone who doesn't even answer her own phone.
• Set up a WebEx conference meeting, kinda. I needed a lot of help because once we got one thing to work then something else would go wrong. I now know why people complain about attending video conferences. They're even worse to host.
• Get asked more questions I don't know the answer to. I want to have an automatic e-mail response that says "Sister Ward doesn't know!" You remember President Nelson's talk where he says "Ask the missionaries! They can help you!" This is one case where it does not apply! I know I answer the help line. I know I am the HR assistant. It just means I go and ask someone else. Why would I know who to talk to if your phone isn't working?
• Try a dessert from New Zealand. This one is like merengue, melts in your mouth, and takes over 24 hours to make. Crazy.
• Get a bishop clearance. They've all been easy since the first one that got mad at me. Of course, it just had to be the first time I made one of those calls.
• Unsuccessfully hide from managers to eat my lunch.

In other news, Ringo learned to do a headstand! Okay, not really. We were playing the game where we throw frozen peas across the kitchen to watch him scramble after them. One went off the step into the living room and he overshot. His stubby hind quarters came after the rest of him and just hung in the air for a few seconds while his legs flailed around helplessly above his head. He doesn't like to have his paws off the ground, but we found it hilarious.

That's it for this week. I love you all,

Sister Ward

Week 17

Are you ready for the newest update? Good, you can relax, it was actually pretty quiet this week.

This week I:

• Learned how to set up a WebEx meeting.
• Taught a third person how to do the mail.
• Called all the departments on the directory to make sure their number was right.
• Hunted down all the fax machines to check their numbers.
• Ordered business cards.
• Explained nicely that nobody is working on new hires because, if you recall, PeopleSoft is down, and we are not the lazy bums you seem to think we are. (Insert plastic-y fake smile here).
• Make up answers to questions that I know little about.
• Change lots of stuff like dept IDs and locations on PeopleSoft, which is finally back up.
• Cut all the bragging and fluff out of department announcements (reducing the text by half).
• Assign badge access (for some reason these requests always come in on Wednesday, the one day I can't access the website because I'm home. Why is that?).
• Sign up for a writers' symposium offered for Church employees. Yes!
• Submit a couple of articles for consideration.
• Send lots and lots of e-mails.
• Digitize some of our family history records. There's some interesting characters in our family. The guy who told his wife he came to Mexico because he dreamt about her? Yeah, he was actually wanted in Texas for cattle hustling.
• Ate a lot of junk food because the family left me a stash before they left for fall break. (Thanks, Mom).
• Finally dug some of my winter clothes out of the basement. I feel like I'm giving in to winter. I want it to stay warm! At least it has been nice and sunny.

For the first time in months, I didn't have to knock on someone's door to ask how to do something. I'm getting better at this thing! Or maybe people have finally figured out that I don't know and started asking someone else...

Also, after trying to track down phone numbers and fax machines, I got another taste of how big our department is. We have offices in three different buildings. If we put them all in one, we would take up seven floors; thats 1/4 of the Church Office Building! I guess that's why I spend so much time just fixing department numbers...